As I sit here writing thinking about who I am, I can’t help but let my mind wander to my past and the thoughts of what a journey I have been on and continue to embark on. Truth be told who I am at this very minute isn’t the same person as yesterday, last week, last month or last year. I believe that in order to live a fulfilled life you have to change.
Growing up I didn’t know God. I do remember attending a Catholic school for preschool and kindergarten, but the ended soon after my parents divorced. I remember my mother saying that we were not going to attend a church where my father and his mistress went. From that point on, I have had close encounters with religion you might say, but never did I step into it. However I did search for it, for answers.
I have this one rather vivid dream or experience you might say, I was 6 years old and living with my mom and younger brother in Reno, NV. We rented a duplex house with two bedrooms and one of the bedrooms I shared with my brother. Anyways I woke up one night thinking I heard something, when I looked down at the floor it was black except for a small light in the middle of this black nothing. I climbed down to look more closely and when I got there I saw the Earth. Then I heard this voice say, “this is where you live” and he opened his hands, I remember them being huge. I couldn’t see his face, just his hands. I asked him who he was and he replied simply, “God.” I sat there with him telling me about the people and the cars. I asked questions about the trees and why everything looked small and how could he tell where I lived because it was so small I couldn’t even see it. He simply stated he knew every thing. He cupped the Earth in his hands and for a long time we didn’t speak, I just sat there watching the Earth spin and gleam like a pretty diamond. Finally He said to go back to sleep and I did. I don’t know if that was real or not but it is still vivid in my mind from 27 years ago.
I would love to think that everyone has a moment like that one with God, to be in the presence of something so beautiful and moving that it sticks with them for years and years after. After having that experience, the next day the Challenger shuttle happened. I will never forget that experience either. I was sitting in first grade and my teacher was so excited to share with us the launch. She had the class countdown when it was launching. I remember being excited because she was excited not fully understanding the event that was taking place. When the shuttle exploded, she made this sound that when thinking about this gives me goosebumps still. I remember turning my head and looking at her, there was no sound at that moment but I saw the anguish in her eyes and the tears running down her face. Seconds later two other teachers came running into my classroom and they hugged each other and cried. When I looked around I saw other kids crying, I am sure they were feeling a lot like I was, confused, scared and uncertain as to what to do.
I have since forgotten that teacher’s name, but I have often wondered why that night I would have such a beautiful experience with God and the very next day something so horrific happen? I don’t know if it was that experience or a combination of many things going on in my life during those impressionable years, but I grew away from all things God related.
As I grew older, I searched for answers and I searched for a spirituality that I knew I lacked. Convinced through all the experiences I had gone through between the ages of 6 and 14, I knew that there was no God. After all if there had been why would so many bad things had happened?
Over the next 7 years, I searched for some connection to feel whole. I dabbled in witchcraft, Buddhism, Taoism, I was Agnostic and Atheist. At the end of the day I still felt incomplete and sank into an ever worse depression and fell into despair unable to connect to anyone or anything. I felt like I was losing hope on anything good.
It was at this time that I found out I was pregnant with my first daughter Hadley. Her father and I were high school sweethearts, got married but we grew and unfortunately grew apart. I struggled with the thought of gaining something so miraculous and yet I was troubled. How could I give her a good life? a good home? am I strong enough to take care of her?
When Hadley was born and really all throughout my pregnancy, I didn’t feel love for her. I was scared of her. Scared that I was not going to be enough for her, scared that I would let her down. A baby relies to much on their Mamas, could I be that mama that she needed? I had so many questions and no answers.
It was somewhere in between her 7th and 9th month that I started to understand that there was something out there helping me along the way. While I have always loved kids, I never wanted to actually have any. I didn’t want to put them through my life and upbringing. I wasn’t particularly close with my mother growing up and didn’t know much of what to do. If and when I slept (which in the first 6 weeks of Hadley’s life was never … another post someday of that) I woke up knowing answers of how to do things. While I have never claimed to be the best mama for her I definitely tried.
My marriage fell apart and we fought constantly and I remember one day praying, something I never did and wasn’t sure how to do, that God help us. I didn’t want to be unhappy anymore and I wanted a better life for my daughter. A few months later my mother who had just started going to church for the first time in her life invited me to join her one Sunday.
Looking back today, I think if only I had a friend or someone who cared about me to know that my spirit was torn and broken, if that person would have just invited me into church I could have ceased the torment right then and there. However I now know that everything happened according to God’s timing and not my own. Do I understand that? No but where I am today, I am perfectly fine with it.
Ever tell your child you would take them somewhere or do something? What did they do? My son likes to change what we are going to do and offers other suggestions instead or he bugs the heck out of me asking if it is time to go yet, the concept of time knows no bounds for him. He wants what he wants and he wants it now. Wouldn’t we be the same way if God let us know of his plans?
I became a whole person in October 2004, since then I have had quite the journey with God. I look back and see that he was with me the moment He revealed Himself to me in a dream all the way through to the point we were to meet again. I was not angry because I had to reach a level within myself to WANT to be with my Father. I had to have a need, to live a life that showed how I was before and how I am today, so that I could share my story with the world.
I have grown a lot in the last 9 years, and I love every minute of it. I have experienced first hand the blessings of 100% completely nothing left behind trust in God, walking so close to him you couldn’t tell us apart. You would have thought we were in love, which we were. I have also ran down the street, across the street away from Him. I would like to tell you that as someone who is fairly intelligent, that I would know better, but alas I am human and a sinner. I hate to admit this but, I tested God and you know what it was hell. It is true.
When I finally wised up, started acting like a responsible mother of now a 6 year old and a 2 month old baby and no baby daddy’s in site, I leaned hard on God. He knew the desires of my heart and he had a bigger plan. On Hadley’s 6th birthday, I heard the same voice I had heard several times now one being when I was 6 years old, that I would be a pastor and lead people one day. I was at first excited and then that sneaky devil broke through my wall with God and yelled at me that I would have to CHANGE!!!!
I thought about this again, who was I to lead people sharing God’s Words, after all I was a single mother to two beautiful children and no father for them. I was the perfect sinner. Everyday I sinned, how could I be chosen to teach others … how?
I had convinced myself that I misheard, God doesn’t want me to change myself or else why would he have chosen me with this elephant sized task. I reasoned and bargained and stomped my foot the way a child does when told to go to bed. You know what? it didn’t change a single thing. To make matters worse, God told me that in September 2007 I would lose my job. WHAT?!?!? but but … I loved my job and I was good at it too! Yeah sure I wanted to be with my children, I wanted to be there for my children, I wanted to be an at home mommy, but someone had to pay the bills. My heart yearned for my children, I had put Hadley through so much, moving her around the country and helping out with her new baby brother. I made her grow up too fast and I desperately wanted to cuddle her and tell her it wouldn’t always be like that.
September 2nd, 2007 I lost my job, my wonderful job. God was right, he said I would and I did! I was so mad at first, but then I realized Dominic was now 7 months old and it wasn’t too late to spend time with him or Hadley. I was just getting used to the idea of being the great mommy I knew could be and that God had already knew I was. Then I found an online game World of Warcraft.
Being home was boring, I needed something more to do with my days. Thanks to my brother who showed me World of Warcraft. To say that I was addicted would be an understatement. I traded one addiction, my job, for another. The only upside was that I was at least home with my babies. I look back now and how horrible I was to God, my children and myself. God gave me an opportunity and I threw it away. With this new addiction came new problems, I separated myself from God and my children. Yes I took care of them but not in the way I should have, the way I wish I could have.
I can’t pinpoint the moment in time that I fell in love with my children to the point that I want, need and cherish them, but I can tell you that on this journey I have finally arrived there. Through this journey I have learned that changing isn’t so bad and actually I welcomed it so much that it put me in a position to meet my Husband. If it hadn’t of been for those hikes up the hill with God carrying me kicking and screaming, I would be where I am today.
My Husband grew up Catholic and I am Christian. When we first met I told him first and foremost, God is number one and my children follow really close to that. He accepted that, and me (broken and saved) and my children. We fell in love instantly and I moved myself and my children on the faith of God that this was the man I was to marry. God said move and I listened, I didn’t question I just did.
We lived together for a year before getting married, and just celebrated our 3rd wedding anniversary. These last four years have been hard, but I still remain in God, sometimes not doing all the “right” things I should be doing like praying for my husband everyday. I have learned that when things are supposed to happen it will happen according to God’s timing not my own, which is how we got our daughter together.
I prayed for months to have a baby with my new husband. When we would discuss it he would flat out refuse and he had many good reasons not to. Now I am not the type of person to sabotage the situation, so I prayed and prayed, God knows the desires of our hearts. My prayer was to have a beautiful, healthy baby and be able to stay home and be the bestest mommy I know I am. It was like winning the lottery the day I found out, it was also the same day I lost my job the second time. When God does it, he does it big!
Last November we were blessed with a beautiful, healthy baby girl named Eva. I have been blessed with an amazing Husband who is learning about God and what is truly important in life, because of this I get to be a stay at home mommy to our children now. I love my Husband Corey with all my heart. I strive to be the best wife to him and the best mother for our children. My days are filled with taking care of the children, the house, and school work as I am finally finishing my bachelor degree.
Over the last three weeks, I have been working ever closer to God. He has put it on my heart to homeschool our children. Finally I am at the point that I get to share the Word of God, just a bit closer to home. It took a few days to calm the feelings of “Can I really do this?” to just lift it back to God. I have peace, my husband has peace and the kids can’t wait! Secretly I can’t wait either!
If you had known me two months ago, you would have known that I would have never agreed to homeschool my children. But over the last three weeks of speaking to God and seeking His Word, I am so happy to be in a place that God can finally use me. I get my hearts desire to be with my family, to be the best wife I can be for my husband, to grow my children in God’s Word and share my story with you.
I pray that my story encourages others to seek God and find their whole selves. I pray that I can help anyone seeking something more in life, to become a follower of Christ. There is no judgement here, just love.
Please leave a comment if you need prayer, someone to talk to or encouragement.
God Bless <3